Have you ever thought about how, in their own mind, everyone views their self as the main character? For example, in my narrative all the events revolve around me. But in a stranger’s narrative, all the events revolve around them and I may not even be in the story. And in the grand scheme of things, neither of us may warrant a mention. It’s all about perspective.
But it’s deeper than that. Not only does everyone consider their self to be the main character, but we consider our self to be the hero. No matter what mistakes we make or what trials may come our way, we will ultimately prevail in doing what is necessary to move the story forward. We are the hero so we can do no wrong. It’s how we justify things. For example, I may have just made a huge mistake. But I learned from it so if we look at the big picture then making the mistake was actually the right decision as it made me a better person.
But not everyone is a hero. The news gives us ample proof of this fact. Which means that while we all think we’re the hero, some of us will be wrong.
I’ve discovered something about myself recently. I have a dark side that I have done a fantastic job of burying throughout the years.
And I wonder, what if I’m the villain?
What if my struggles don’t make me a better person, but a worse one? What if my story arc doesn’t improve or create anything, but instead destroys and corrupts? How would I know?
I’ve had a lot of crappy relationships in my short twenty-two years on this earth. Manipulative, controlling, degrading, abusive, painful, and damaging relationships with friends, family members, and lovers. I’ve been hurt more times than I can count.
And it’s because I’m a sucker. Because I’m trusting. Because I’m forgiving. Because I took the whole “turn the other cheek” thing a little too seriously.
I always took the high road. I was always the bigger person. I always forgave first. And I always paid for it.
Even in my good relationships, I’ve always been used as a punching bag. Need to blow off some steam? Take it out on Kendra. She’ll forgive you. Don’t worry about hurting her feelings, she’ll always put your needs above her own. Good old Kendra is always there for you.
I’ve always been the safe risk. The one everyone tried crap with because they knew they could get away with it.
And I’m tired of it.
So I did what I’ve dreamed of doing since I was a child. I stopped being that person.
In the past few weeks, I’ve withheld forgiveness. Someone asked me to turn the other cheek and I refused. I’ve cut people out of my life. I’ve spoken my mind and hurt feelings with no remorse. I haven’t been kind or forgiving, I’ve been horrible.
But I’ve never felt better. Because after willingly submitting to everyone my entire life, it feels good to be in charge.
And it makes me wonder, is this how villains are created?
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